So, a couple of days ago, Sunday to be exact, I woke up early in the morning with a truly awful stomach ache. Which tends to happen when I spend most of the previous day drinking wine. And what do I do when I can sleep and am in pain-I turn on the computer, where of course I find nerve wracking news stories, or jerkish racist/misogynistic/classist blog entries masquerading as hip and funny cultural criticism. Both of which make me angry and/or sad, and make my stomach hurt even more.
I’ll preface whatever the hell it is that I’m going to say with a mild re-iteration of the girl guilt things that I spend a significant portion of my time stumbling around. I have unresolved girlie issues. The whole “ I never feel like I’m good enough, just because I’m a girl”. Or, as I told my dad yesterday, I sometimes still feel as though I’m not entirely human. Like I’m 75% human, and 25% girl, but that 25% seems to define me much more significantly than the much larger human portion of the equation.
think that a large amount of this feeling comes from the fact that I am not an aggressive, pushy, power hungry dominating sort of person, in a world that values all of these things. I tend to lean towards the kindness,empathy, compassionate, peace seeking and loving side of the spectrum, the areas of emotion and existence that have traditionally been ascribed as “feminine” attributes. Attributes that in our continuously war torn and violence filled world are looked down upon, still, as either useless optimism or weakness.
I realize that I’m not saying anything new, that I’m just repeating most of the basic women’s/gender studies rhetoric that’s taught in every 100 level gender course, but it just feels so applicable. That no matter how much, on the surface, there appears to be a growing sense of equality in the workplace, in the media, in romantic partnerships, in legal rights, there is still this underlying system of beliefs, both conscious and unconscious, that affect how we live in and experience the world.
We are completely embroiled in an entirely fucked up gender system, and have very little idea of how to go about changing things.
There is so much fear about blurring the lines, about exploring other ways of being. We keep each other in line, punish each other through taunts and violence when someone steps out of line. Men are still not supposed to exhibit “feminine” characteristics, and women are not supposed to exhibit “masculine” characteristics. And that whole wonderfully undefined space of gender blurring and androgyny doesn’t even exist for most people.
All of this is still held together by stitches of threat. Questioning and challenging the current white male power structure isn’t an attack on each and every man individually, as so many people seem to feel when the word Feminism is brought up. It’s a criticism of the structure we are forced to live inside, which keeps both women and men in their defined places, afraid to attempt to create positive and thriving alternate ways of living.
The advocacy of peace, kindness, and gentleness is a scary concept to those people in power/business who make their copious livings ensuring that all is not well in the world.
I understand that change, and even the possibility of change, are threatening ideas, not only to one’s sense of self, but to one’s existence. And one’s wallet.
Stepping outside of the system is a scary thing. And pretty much impossible, because even if you’re chossing to live a life that is in direct opposition to the ones that we are seemingly handed, you’re still in relationship to all the choices that people make everyday that keep them constrained.
If it feels tough to be a sensitive and compassionate person in this world it’s because it is. I don’t want to toughen up and get used to it, I don’t want to be aggressive and competitive, but it feels like I have to in order to survive. I’ve spent years living the belief that I had to be everything, that in order to be a living, recognized person, an existing human being, that I had to embody all possible characteristics, all “masculine” and “feminine” at the same time. ( I use these words only in quotation marks because I don’t believe that these attributes are gendered at all, just social structure and conditioning). Which makes for a very confusing relationship to myself, and a gaping disparity between my actual beliefs and knowledge, and the life I’ve been trying to live. I had to be a great dancer and athlete. I had to love poetry and video games. I had to be aggressive and kind. I had to be sensitive and tough. I had to be compassionate and uncaring. I had to be monogomous and promiscuous. I had to be everything, all at once.
No wonder crazy came out. No wonder I’ve been overwhelmed and unsure and scared. The world is overwhelmed and unsure and scared.
So, angry hungover Sunday morning I stumbled upon this “letter to Hollywood”, about the problem with contemporary mainstream filmmaking. Which had a lot of good things to say, that I , as an independent artist, and gal who likes good movies, enjoyed reading: http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2008/06/a_letter_to_my.html. However, there was a certain point, near the bottom, that made me cranky. ( Cranky is a good word. I use it too much. Tetchy is also a good word. I don’t use it enough.).
The point was that they should just stop trying to make movies with FEMALE SUPERHEROES, because they always suck, and it’s a “lost cause”. Now, I tend to not like a lot of superhero/action movies in general, because they’re usually boring and badly written, with too many repetitive action scenes, and way too much violence. Actually, this is the case with most movies I see, superhero based or otherwise. What this means, is that it’s the director/producer/ whoever’s fault if a movie with a male lead sucks, but it’s the actresses fault if a movie with a female lead is awfulness. The point is, it’s not the fact that the movies are about a heroine that makes them bad, but that Hollywood film and tv writers tend to write stupid and insipid roles for women.
A while ago Warner Bros. vaguely issued a statement saying that they wouldn’t be producing films with women in the lead roles anymore (http://www.deadlinehollywooddaily.com/warners-robinoff-gets-in-catfight-with-girls/), because people don’t pay to go see movies like that. So, to all of the fabulous, hardworking, extraordinary women actors out there, too bad, you’ve just been relegated to playing the love interest or the evil big breasted villainess for the rest of your working life. Although I’m sure they probably retracted the statement, trying to cover their asses, it still shows how prevalent this whole “ women don’t matter, and nobody wants to see them” bullshit idea is.
In general, the writing for tv and film is awful, whether the characters are male or female. There are so many ridiculous and insulting male characters out there as well, just reiterating the fact that Hollywood apparently thinks we’re all brainless jerks, and relegating hardworking actors to boring typecasting.
Which is why I think I’m still whole heartedly devoted to Buffy. I never really got over that one. Jo and I have been (re)watching a bunch of episodes lately, and they’re amazing. They really are. Not to say that they are beyond the realm of needing critques-no work is perfect. But in terms of popular culture that hits both the head and the heart, nothing else really seems to.
What made the show great was it’s writing, witty and intelligent and emotionally engaging ( a rarity), and the fact that all of the actors were fantastic. Male and female, across the board great casting. And it was about outsider girls. And boys. And the only tv show that I love almost as much as Buffy is Firefly, whose cast is nearly equal gender wise, and has some of my favorite female characters as well. However, I do kind of lump the two together because they’re both created and helmed by the same person. Who made has an awesome speech about writing female characters which always makes me feel a little bit better about the world:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYaczoJMRhs
All that said, I still don’t feel welcome in the world, as a girl. I don’t feel invited in. Definitely not part of the club. But then, who really is that didn’t manage to buy or bully their way in.
And music…well, I have much, much more to say about that. Another time.
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