Guilt

I'm just tired, and planning. A little bit overwhelmed, somehow, in the midst of time on my hands, I've found myself with responsibilities, and right now, it's not good for me to be responsible for things that are happening in other people's lives. Sounds kind of bitter and uncaring, I know, but I have such an overblown sense of guilt that I will take anything and everything on. I feel like I owe people things, and feel like I'll never be finished paying them back, and I hate being in this place, because it just stresses me out.

Saying no is tough, because I'm just one of those gals who wants to do everything for everyone, and make sure that everyone is happy, all of the time. At the expense of myself, of course. Guilt makes me stressed out, and stress makes me sick.

A friend asked me to work with her on her show, to sort of stage manage/second outside eye. Now, I can't even drag myself to see a show at a theatre, and the idea of actually working on a show, having to show up somewhere, at a certain time is just too much. The thought of it makes me tired, and makes my whole body hurt, which gives me a headache, cause my shoulders tense, and I clench my jaw. I couldn’t even act or direct right now, I have no desire to none. I want time to myself, to work on whatever I want or need to work on. I know I would be miserable the whole time, and so I’d be cranky, and be completely unmotivated and uncreative.

And yet, I feel as though I have to say yes, that its my responsibility, that I am a horrible person if I say no. I feel guilty. Total complete guilt. But in my heart I’ve already said no, that’s why I’m having such a visceral and emotional reaction to having to make this decision.

It’s also a bad time cause I’m a little it overwhelmed with having to house sit for five days, then having to pack and move, then having to house sit again for ten days, and not knowing how I’m going to p ay my student loan at the end of the month, and whether I’m moving back to my apartment in August or September.

And then there’s the fact that I’m going back to school full time in the fall, and I have to make sure I’m taking all the right classes, and that I can write papers and take tests without being too stressed out. Which is an entirely different post. I’m just finding myself really overwhelmed today, and I don’t like that feeling. I’d kind of forgotten it for at least a week. Must remember not to let myself get to this place. Much deep breathing and letting go of guilt.