Ramshackle Attempt #1

So, I’m going to start simply. Expurgated vs unexpurgated-my own editing process far underway before I even begin to write, of course. If I can’t say it to myself, then I can’t say it to myself in writing. So simply. Today I’m nauseous. And cold and shaky. Problem is, I can’t tell whether my symptoms are psychosomatic due to my anxiety, or if they are side effects of the upped dosages of the medications I take to deal with the anxiety. Medical wonders and worries. Sitting in bed, pillows propped up, curled under my favorite red sparkly blanket, waiting for the phone to ring because I’m a receptionist now. Could I have a better job than being able to lie in bed and answering my cell phone and telling somebody I’ll get someone else to call them? Not really. And yet, I still hate every moment of it. I get panicky and fearful at the thought of the phone ringing. I don’t want to have to talk to anyone, what if I tell them the wrong thing, what if I don’t do it right, what if I don’t get everything perfect?

Being semi-unemployed is glorious and boring. Not so glamorous, because I don’t blow dry my hair or put in contact lenses, it’s all jeans and t-shirts or tea and pajamas. Getting all prettied up is too much of an effort these days. I don’t know if I even know how to make myself look pretty anymore. Don’t know if I ever did.

I guess today isn’t a particularly good day.

Blog theory:

As an explication of why I feel the need to write ( because I feel the need to explain myself here, and moderately well).

I’m terrible at communicating, and I have tendencies that vaguely aim towards hibernations. I tend to keep secrets, and fear telling people things because I believe that they will negatively judge me. I’m sure this includes myself. So, I tend to stay away from people and conversations and public places. I’m no good in a crowd.

So, half of this is just a way for me to sort my thoughts out, and the other half is to let my friends know ( if they are interested) what I’m actually up to in those times when it seems as though I’m ignoring them.

Not so much stories, or action by action dictations of my day and what I did, but more ramblings, sorted through or not.

I want more than just getting by, and right now it feels like I’m barely doing that.

Good thing that happened: I found a pair of fluffy white wings in the backseat of Josette’s car, and they’re going to become part of the apartment’s “pilot” outfit. Which is basically just the silly pilot hat Jo got from dressew while trying to make 19th century mountaineer costumes, which I then decided was my fabulous sassy hat. And now I have wings to match. So, I can put on music and dance around the apartment in a pretty dress, with angel wings and a cheap pilot hat while the roommates cook dinner.

I’m just feeling out of it today, dizzy, headachy, my eyes are strained, and my limbs feel both heavy, and light and shaky. Nausea and heartburn, bad enough that I had to get Jo to drive me to the store to buy a bottle of chalky berry antacid stuff. Went to he bank to pay rent, wandered around in Supervalu for awhile, and went to Safeway to buy cookies and stomach stuff. And the left turn signal on Jo’s car doesn’t work, so we had to try to do all of this without having to make left turns, and if we did have to make a left turn, she’d have to stick her arm out the window into the pouring rain and make the left turn signal. At least this made potentially menial activities entertaining.