Today

I feel like there's this piece I'm missing, that I can't quite grasp onto that is at the centre of all of this healing stuff. Something floating through my subconscious, just out of reach that is some sort of key, something, something, but I don't know how or what or where. Just missing. Just absent. Voidy. And I just want somebody to help me figure it out, somebody to tell me what it is so I can just get over all of this and live my life.

I still feel like I'm reeling, like there are all these things around me, all these expectations, all these experiences I'm supposed to have and it's all spinning so fast and I don't know who to follow along with, who to listen to, what information to store, what to keep and what to let go of. There's just too much being thrown at me all the time, by so many people who mean well, by my own self who means well, and what part of what do I listen to. The part of me that is supposed to be able to be healthily discerning feels blocked, locked up, and I'm just big eyes nodding my head taking it all in a packaging it all up to be made sense of, somehow.

See, I don't know. ANd I know nobody really does, but I'm bored of watching everyone pretend like their navigating through this world with clear eyes and a clean compass glass, especially when their talking about how they're not pretending but they really still are, they just can't see it. I just can't see it. Everyone confuses me. I can't tell who's lying and who's real.

I don't know how to be around people but not be them as I'm around them. They tire me out. It is not a matter of taking steps, of desensitizing, of just being around people until they stop stepping into my skin. There are too many people around. There aren't meant to be so many people around all of the time.

I never feel like I'm in flow when I'm out in the world, I get sucked into everyone else's ideas of what life is, and time becomes all boxed up and contained, and there is no space to maneuver. Things crash into one another and it's all desperation, running around, pretending to be important, desperation trying to make itself into something that isn't desperation.

I still don't know how to be in the world, a part of it, without giving myself away at every moment, without losing all sense of who I am. When I'm around people, when i even dip my feet into the world as it exists right now, the structures that are in place, the way life is supposed to be played out, it's like I am completely sucked in, my skin disappears, my separation disappears and I am in an unknown, undesirable world.

My goal is not to be able to once again be of/in this world that has done nothing but beat me up and push me around. I do not want to be a part of society at large, of the world at large-it has nothing to offer me, and all I can offer it is a hollow shell of what once may have been a person. It will happily destroy me, as it will happily hurt anyone who is not able to easily give up idiosyncrasies and themselves.

My goal is to be a part of a different world, a different society completely. One that probably has yet to be created. To seek out, somehow, though I don't know how, people who are closer to where I am, who aren't stuck in the material morass of nothingness but can see beyond it. And do, and don't stay where they are out of fear.

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I can realistically expect-I don't even know if logic and reality exist, so why should I contain myself by them. I look outside my window and the only things i like are the trees and the mountains and the sky. Books and movies are better than so much of life, because at least they are attempting to create something of meaning, and allow the artisst and the reader/watcher to be transformed beyond the everyday.

I long for transformation that is green and lush and wildly flowing. I do not know what it is that I am becoming, but it is something other than what I was supposed to have been, in this bitter outside world. I don't even exist to the world at this point in time, because I make no sense to it.