Three things, sort of.

I’ve been thinking about the purpose of this blog-expression, to be heard, thoughts, a necessary occupation in a difficult time.

A ll times are difficult. I am no more deficient of capability or communication than anybody else. I just function in, and experience the world in a very particluar way. More intensely, and with more sensitivity and awareness.

I have called myself many things: broken, delicate, forgotten, strange, odd, unfortunate, sensitive, fragmented, difficult, intense, incapable, weak, lonely, defective.

The words that I have not used, but should: sensitive, compassionate, kind, quirky, passionate, spontaneous, silly, intense, delicate, strong, bold, quiet, elemental.

If I keep living and writing from the first place, a place that I’ve needed to be, to spend time in, then I will become stuck there, I need to shift my perception, slightly.

I know how to place myself in a space of weakness, I understand what it means to be delicate and broken, I know what it feels like to be barely holding onto tiny fragments of myself and notice how quickly they seem to unravel.

And now I know that other people have seen this, have recognized this in me, not as a deficiency, but as a life lived.

So, this is a revamping of sorts, a twist of a mission statement, an offering of a less bloodied sort. I’ll love my grief, and respect my love. Not magically perfect, but perfectly natural.

Three things triggered this blatantly, but it’s been a work in progress for awhile:

1) A mix cd project that Adriana and I undertook, in which we each made a cd full of songs that could have been written about the other person.

2) Listening to Terami Hirsch, especially “Little Light”, “Waking the Dream”, “When It’s Dark”, and “Timberline” from her album Entropy 29.

3) Reading a chapter of Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart each night before I go to sleep.

I’ll be intricate, and ramble about each out of order, and probably entwined with each, but in another post.

Music has become a force in my life lately, stronger than it’s ever been. Always part of my life, always part of my identity, but lately, even more bone deep, life deep. Nourishing me, singing me to sleep and waking. Unearthing, digging up from the long buried ground images, symbols, articulated aspects that have been ignored and lost, now refound. Emotional archaeology, of the intentional, and rainwashed flooding accidental sort.