Fluctuations and depth, perception

I’m home, living from laundry baskets, only half unpacked. I feel years older than when I left.

I’m kind of blog cheating with this entry, because it’s actually part of an e-mail conversation I had earlier today with Adriana. My ever attempts at untangling concept and actualities of friendships and other relationships….

It's hard to know how much weight to put on a friendship without scaring the other person off. Our primary relationships, our romantic relationships, are som consuming and important, that not having one, I tend to shift much of the emotional and intellectual weight onto my friends, and have very little concept of what is appropriate, and what is too much. I struggle with friendship, because I feel as though I'm supposed to be ashamed at having intense emotional relationships with people other than my romantic partner.

I always feel as though, being the single one, I am invading other people's lives, taking over, demanding too much from the wrong sources. As though the only thing allowed to fill the relationship void, the community void, the emotional support void, is a romantic partner. Which I'm not actively seeking, because it's so hard to even let my friends get close to me, so how can I stand to have somebody see me, and be with me on such a potent state of vulnerability if I can't even let myself be there.

I've tended towards backing off, drawing away, removing any deep emotional attachment. I've never really had friends, Skirting around the circumferences of other's lives. Hollow heart, hollow eyes, hollow words, and wringing hands.

It's just so hard for me to feel, to see, that I have anything to offer to another person, so I am overwhelmed. Hard for me to accept that I am capable of connecting with another person. To accept that I even exist in a world that isn't empty, that isn't barren and flat grey, devoid grey, windy tear-swept burdened closed off grey.

I don't know. That's all I have to offer.