Soundtrack-"Left and Leaving"-The Weakerthans
Open this door, leave me to nowhere, and I’ll find something someday. In this moment of love and blood I have nothing left to put into this quarter slot, to pay for my entertainment and joy. No joy in the morning, my coffee’s cold, never hot enough until I heat it at least three times before every sip. Letters too many letters I have mailed that mean nothing to the receiver. Weaker than I was before, but stronger of heart ( you’ll never know what I mean by this) I’ve chosen a new type of taste today. The one of never leaving the house, but not being able to be comfortable where I am. Progress isn’t here today, she’s gone on a little trip to Victoria. The ferry ride always gives her chills.
Benevolence is not the motivation for any of my so-called action. For action in my head is merely passivity, and if I drink myself to genius tonight, I will accomplish only the success of illusion. Maya does not treat me quite right, I have no illustrious visions to keep me occupied . Only blanks and floors so beautiful I spread my blanket out and try to sleep. Bones sore even though flesh pillows itself after nights on the floor. I slept in the doorway, blanket only covering my hips, the rest of my body sprawled out into any space possible. Dizzy for two days afterwards, unsure of what had crept into my system, I read beautiful comics all day while Adriana took a bath, listening to Teresa Stratas singing Kurt Weill.
The road song is singing in my blood again. Two weeks seems to be all that I can stand in any place, no matter how much or little I know it. Snow the first time tonight, taking out the garbage after I cleaned out, not up, the bathroom in the basement. I want to be back in Winnipeg, not for the place or school, but the space. The imaginary memories and what ifs I could have created. More like this fictitious desire I have to be alone in some city as barren as that place. It’s too lush to be lonely in Vancouver. But I lie when I say that this sense is loneliness, because truly it is more like a combination of wistfulness, nostalgia, and general grayness. It has nothing to do with being alone, and everything with just being.
So just give in to sensation and this ever possessing loss of nothing you ever had anyways.
"Circumnavigate this body of wonder and uncertainty"-weakerthans